


Delectable But Not Edible

by AppleSeeds



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Aziraphale eats soap, Customer Aziraphale, Fluff, Humor, Inspired by Fanart, Lush Employee Crowley, M/M, Meet-Cute, Mutual Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 05:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30100719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSeeds/pseuds/AppleSeeds
Summary: Aziraphale visits Lush, a shop full of all sorts of tantalising treats, and becomes determined to secure himself some scrumptious free samples from Anthony, the very friendly, handsome man who works there. But Anthony keeps insisting they are 'testers' not 'samples', and seems horrified when Aziraphale eats them. Aziraphale does very much enjoy it, however, when Anthony decides to show him some soap instead, tenderly and thoroughly washing his hands.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 56
Kudos: 104
Collections: Good Omens Human AUs





	Delectable But Not Edible

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by @tweedfeather's fantastic [artwork](https://twitter.com/tweedfeather/status/1366416069733277696)  
> \- "Crowley is an overly-eager Lush employee and Aziraphale sneaks around trying to eat soap."
> 
> It's very silly but I hope you enjoy it! :-)

***** Saturday *****

Everything just looked so scrumptious. Tasty treats in all sorts of shapes and colours, some of them even shimmering with a dusting of edible glitter, displayed artfully throughout the shop. Aziraphale didn’t know where to start, his wide eyes darting around the various displays as he tried to select his first target. There was a strange smell to the shop, but it was a rather _clean_ smell, which was reassuring; it was always good to know that confectionery had been handled according to strict hygiene standards before indulging.

Aziraphale moved between the displays slowly, examining the delectable offerings and looking for free samples. These were clearly high-end confections, rather more expensive than what he would normally buy, and he wouldn’t want to procure something until he could properly evaluate its level of deliciousness. Perhaps if he couldn’t find any free samples, he could always break off a small piece to try? That wouldn’t do any harm, would it? Aziraphale reached out towards an intriguing-looking bar, bright yellow with a hint of reddish-pink at the top.

“Good afternoon sir, welcome to Lush! Is there anything I can help you to find today?”

Aziraphale jumped, retracted his hand, and spun around to see where the voice had come from. There in front of him was an extremely handsome man, wearing a black apron that indicated that he worked in the confectionery shop. He had long, shiny, copper-red hair (the type of hair that suggested an excellent hair care regime, almost like he worked in some kind of _cosmetics_ shop rather than a confectioner’s), half tied up behind his head with loose curls framing his face. He was looking at Aziraphale with a beaming, eager smile on his face, and Aziraphale could feel the redness developing in his cheeks. He had so very nearly got caught trying to sneak a sample.

“Oh, hello,” Aziraphale began quietly, glancing down at the name badge that was pinned to the man’s apron, “Anthony. Do you have any free samples please?”

“We have _testers_? Is that what you’re looking for?”

“Yes, exactly that! Thank you! I’d like to find out what I like before I buy anything.”

“No problem at all. Were you wanting to try the Rhubarb and Custard?”

“Oh yes, please, it smells delicious!”

“Yeah, it’s really nice!” Anthony confirmed enthusiastically, opening a wooden drawer beneath the display table and pulling out a small slice.

“I can’t wait to try it, it looks scrummy!”

Aziraphale reached out and plucked the slice from Anthony’s hand, licking his lips and raising it up to them.

“Erm... sir? When you say ‘scrummy’, you don’t mean... _sir_? What are you doing?”

Aziraphale delicately placed the rhubarb and custard slice on his tongue, concerned by how horrified Anthony looked. Was he not supposed to eat the whole slice in one go? Oh dear, perhaps this shop was a little too upmarket for him, although Aziraphale did have high standards himself. He paused, unsure how to proceed. Would it be terribly uncouth of him just to start chewing the sample? Or should he withdraw it from his mouth? Its texture felt pretty sturdy. But no, he couldn’t possibly do that, could he?

_Oh dear, I think I’ve rather made a mess of things! Trust me to embarrass myself in front of a friendly, handsome man!_

Aziraphale had no choice. He would have to eat it. He moved the sample with his tongue and bit down carefully, aiming to chew it as delicately as possible. Anthony’s jaw dropped, and Aziraphale squirmed uncomfortably, bringing a hand up to cover his face.

_What have I done that’s so terrible?_

The flavour of the sample flooded Aziraphale’s mouth as he began to chew. It was awful! It hardly tasted of rhubarb and custard at all! Aziraphale was well aware that people’s tastes differed, but he had expected so much more when he had decided to indulge himself and finally pop into this shop full of tempting treats that he had walked past so many times before. Deciding nothing he could do could make matters worse, Aziraphale quickly chewed and swallowed the sample. Anthony looked so distraught that Aziraphale couldn’t bring himself to admit he hadn’t liked it.

“That was rather nice, but not quite what I was looking for. Do you have any other free samples I could try please?”

“Erm... they’re not _samples_ , they’re _testers_.”

Oh dear, was he not even using the correct language for such an establishment? Aziraphale was starting to think this place might actually be a little bit pretentious. Although _Anthony_ didn’t seem pretentious, he seemed very lovely indeed. It wasn’t his fault if his employers made him use fancy language like ‘testers’.

“My apologies, could I try one of your testers please?”

“Sure. We... er... we have some lovely _soap_ over here, it’s called Lotus Flower. Would you like to test the _soap_?”

“Oh... you sell soaps?”

“Yes, we sell _soaps_.”

“I see. So this is more of a luxury goods shop then?”

“I... I suppose.”

Aziraphale wasn’t particularly interested in soap, he wanted to try more of the confectionery, but Anthony seemed like such a lovely man, he didn’t want to disappoint him by refusing his offer.

“Yes, all right, I’ll try some soap. Thank you, Anthony.”

“Great, why don’t you go and wait by the bowl over there and I’ll bring it over?”

Aziraphale smiled gratefully and headed over to the bowl Anthony had indicated on a stand towards the back of the shop, near the till. Anthony joined him a moment later with a small piece of the Lotus Flower soap (it really was clever how they maintained a general aesthetic across their product ranges, both the soaps and the confectionery), and filled up the bowl with water. Aziraphale unfastened the buttons at his cuffs and rolled his sleeves up. Anthony’s lips parted and his gaze drifted over Aziraphale’s exposed forearms, leaving Aziraphale wondering if he had breached some kind of unknown standards of etiquette again.

“May I take your hands?” Anthony asked softly, his voice wavering slightly.

_Oh dear, what have I done wrong now?_

“Oh... yes, thank you.”

Anthony gave him a beaming smile and reached out to take his hands, lowering them into the bowl of warm water. Aziraphale’s heart fluttered, it had been a long time since a lovely, handsome man had held his hands.

Anthony worked the soap over Aziraphale’s hands, generating a silky, floral-scented lather. He alternated between lightly sliding his palms across Aziraphale’s hands and massaging more firmly, his fingertips gliding over Aziraphale’s wrists as he worked his way up his forearms, gently kneading the muscles there. Aziraphale’s breath caught somewhere at the top of his lungs, and given how thorough Anthony was being, Aziraphale was forced to accept that holding his breath until he’d finished wasn’t really an option.

“Your hands are very soft,” Anthony said with a smile, now just loosely holding Aziraphale’s hands above the water. Aziraphale somehow summoned the restraint needed to not gently squeeze Anthony’s hands in response to his compliment.

“Thank you. So are yours.”

Anthony started gently stroking Aziraphale’s hands and breathing became a challenge for him again. His next breath emerged as a soft sort-of sigh.

“That feels wonderful.”

“Yeah, this soap is really lovely.”

Aziraphale had been entranced watching the movement of Anthony’s hands over his own, but then snapped himself out of it and looked dazedly into Anthony’s eyes.

“So lovely,” he murmured softly, and Anthony grinned at him as though he was completely delighted that Aziraphale liked the soap. “I’ll definitely be buying one of these.”

“I’m really glad you like it.”

Anthony lowered Aziraphale’s hands into the water and swept his own hands over them, once again being very thorough and taking his time as he washed off all traces of the soap. He then lifted Aziraphale’s hands out of the bowl and wrapped them in a soft, black towel, gently patting them dry. The tenderness of the action made Aziraphale’s stomach feel very wibbly (nothing else could be making Aziraphale’s stomach feel weird right now, obviously).

“May I try some of the other scrumptious treats now, please?” Aziraphale asked as Anthony released his hands, looking back out towards the front of the shop and licking his lips again in anticipation. Of all of these wonderful looking products, there was bound to be something much better than that rhubarb and custard one. The question seemed to make Anthony a little anxious.

“Erm... no, sorry... it’s... er... company policy, it’s supposed to be one per customer per day. Sorry.”

“Oh dear, that’s a shame. Well, I suppose I’ll just be buying the soap today then please.”

It sounded a little like Anthony whispered ‘thank God’ under his breath, although presumably he was just politely saying ‘thank you’. He took the bar of soap over to the counter and wrapped it up in a small paper bag. Aziraphale paid for it, surprised that the soap wasn’t more expensive given the exorbitant prices they were charging for the confectionery, and then said goodbye to the lovely, handsome man, heading back out into the light drizzle and walking home.

***** Sunday *****

Aziraphale would not be deterred. He planned to revisit the shop with the expensive confectionery today and just try extra hard to sneak samples when none of the employees were looking. It couldn’t be that hard.

Unfortunately, he was ambushed by Anthony as soon as he walked through the door. Aziraphale had rather hoped Anthony wouldn’t be working today after embarrassing himself in front of him a couple of times yesterday, although he still wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done wrong. That said, despite his embarrassment, if Aziraphale was being entirely honest, he was a little bit pleased to see Anthony again. He thought back to the way he had gently washed his hands with that lovely soap and patted them dry, being so sweet and gentle. Aziraphale thought it might be enough to tempt him to buy another soap, even though that was _not_ what he had come here for – he was here for the tasty treats. Anthony’s presence might make it a little more difficult to get as many samples as Aziraphale had hoped, but, well, the worst case scenario was that he would only be able to try one. That’s what Anthony had said – one per customer per day, and Aziraphale lived and worked just around the corner, and could come back every day if he needed to.

“Hi, welcome to Lush! Is there anything I can help you to find today?”

“Ah, hello again! Thank you for your help yesterday, that soap you recommended is quite divine! I was hoping, since it’s a new day, might I be able to try another sample please? I mean ‘ _tester_ ’, my apologies.”

Anthony’s smile looked like it had been glued onto his face, an inevitable consequence of working in retail, Aziraphale supposed. He probably had to deal with all sorts of strange posh people working in such a high-end shop. But even with this rather forced smile, Anthony still looked incredibly attractive.

“The _soap_ , right? You want to test a different kind of _soap_? Or how about a shampoo bar? You know how all the plastic in the oceans is killing the whales and dolphins, right? A shampoo bar can help you to cut down on the amount of plastic you buy. You want to try it? Please say you want to try it.”

“You are very passionate about saving the dolphins, I see! That’s very good of you.”

Aziraphale smiled, and Anthony smiled a little uncertainly in return. The poor dear, perhaps he was actually a little shy when talking to customers.

“Er... yes, I am. Big dolphin fan, me. So, shampoo bar, yeah?”

Aziraphale glanced sadly around at the delicious-looking displays. He could always keep Anthony happy by trying the shampoo bar first, and then try to help himself to some samples after.

“That sounds perfect, my dear.”

Aziraphale headed over to the bowl at the back of the shop again, while Anthony retrieved the shampoo bar.

“This is actually the one I use on _my_ hair.”

Anthony demonstrated how to use it, rubbing the bar between his wet hands to create a lather, and then passed it to Aziraphale to try, his soapy hands brushing against Aziraphale’s. He really did have very lovely hands.

“You can rub it directly into your hair, but with shorter hair it’s normally easier to create the lather in your hands and then use that. That’s what I used to do, before I grew it out.”

“You have lovely hair,” Aziraphale offered bravely.

“Thanks, so do you,” Anthony replied with a smile. “All soft and fluffy-looking like candyfloss.” Aziraphale dipped his chin and focused on rubbing the shampoo bar between his hands, and then washed them in the bowl full of water. Just as he had yesterday, Anthony cradled his hands and gently dried them off with a soft, fluffy black towel afterwards.

“This is wonderful! It’s very good what you’re doing to try to save the dolphins. I do love fish.”

“Fish and... and dolphins?”

“Well, especially dolphins, yes. They’re my favourite fish, apart from sushi, I suppose. I’d like to buy one of these, thank you, my dear.”

“Great, I’ll ring it up for you.”

“Well, now, that might not be the _only_ thing I want to buy today. Could I try something else? Something from the front of the shop?”

Anthony’s face twitched but he continued to smile politely. Aziraphale watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed.

_Oh dear, am I taking up too much of his time?_

“Erm... sure, ok. What did you want to try?”

“I haven’t decided yet. Is it all right if I have a look and call you if I need any help?”

“Ok. Yeah. I’ll... erm... ok.”

Aziraphale left his shampoo bar with Anthony (he would be making sure to purchase anything he wanted from him, just in case the lovely man would receive commission) and headed back towards the front of the shop. Oh, so many delights to choose from! The weather was brighter today, and the delicious treats sparkled and shimmered in the sunlight streaming in through the glistening windows of the shop-front.

Aziraphale came across one product called ‘Sea Vegetable’. He wondered whether that had anything to do with the recent trend in eating seaweed for all the trace elements it contained, but this was the first time he had seen it being used in confectionery. He then came to one called ‘Lemon Zest’ that looked positively scrumptious! His eyes lit up and he reached out, discreetly trying to break a piece off the corner. It was surprisingly tough, but a tiny piece flaked off and he quickly scooped it up and deposited it in his mouth.

“Hey, er... hey. Hi. Can I... can I help?”

Aziraphale was forced to swallow the tiny sample without even chewing it, but the impression he had of the flavour was rather disappointing. In fact, it tasted rather similar to the one he had tried yesterday.

“Oh, Anthony, hello again. No, that’s quite all right thank you, you’re very kind to ask, but I’m sure I can manage on my own for a little while.”

“You sure? You want to test this one? I don’t mind!”

Aziraphale didn’t want to waste his one _legitimate_ sample on something so disappointing, so he decided to politely decline.

“No thank you, my dear. I’ll be sure to let you know if there’s something I’d like to try.”

“Erm... ok, yeah. Well, I’ll be around if you need anything.”

Aziraphale’s next target was called Figs & Leaves. He rather liked figs, so this should be interesting. He quickly glanced over his shoulder, narrowing his eyes suspiciously, checking that Anthony wouldn’t sneak up on him again. Then he managed to break off one of the corners and popped it into his mouth. He started chewing quickly before anyone could catch him and tell him off for taking an illicit sample.

Aziraphale scrunched his face up and grimaced. This one was terrible too! He should have known, apparently this company put all of its effort into making the products _look_ nice, rather than concentrating on what they actually _tasted_ like. That probably suited their clientele, undoubtedly people who were all style over substance.

“Hi.”

Aziraphale flinched and turned to find Anthony standing behind him again. He discreetly swallowed the remnants of the fig treat, if one could call it that, and smiled at him.

“Hello.”

“Look, do you want to test this soap as well? It’s ok, you can, we can pick up this _soap_ , and we can go over to the bowl and try it out. Would you like to do that?”

Aziraphale’s eyes flicked between the display of Figs & Leaves and Anthony.

_Soap._

He cast his eyes around the shop.

They were all soaps.

_Oh dear._

***** Monday *****

Perhaps the sensible course of action would have been for Aziraphale to never visit Lush again. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Anthony.

Aziraphale had eaten _soap_. Anthony had _seen_ him eat soap, and he’d still been lovely and friendly, and gently washed his hands, and talked to him about dolphins, and he really was terribly handsome. There was nothing wrong with wanting to see him again, was there?

Aziraphale popped out on his lunch break and headed straight for Lush. He peered in through the windows and could see Anthony chatting to another customer, smiling and talking animatedly.

_Oh dear, what must he think of me?_

Aziraphale stepped inside and began browsing, suddenly seeing everything as if with new eyes. What he had thought were meringues and macarons were bath bombs. What he had thought were decadent pudding creams were _face_ creams. What he had thought was _edible_ glitter was just... well, _glitter_. He winced and advanced through the shop, hoping that Anthony would once again come and talk to him, but after a few minutes, he still hadn’t approached.

_Well, I’ve managed to get his attention before_ , Aziraphale thought, eyeing up a chunk of soap named Olive Tree. He reached out and smoothed his fingertips over the top of it. It really did look and feel like soap. He brought his fingertips together as if trying to break off the corner of it.

“Hey, welcome back! Can I help you to find anything today?”

Aha. His summoning technique had worked.

“Ah, hello, my dear. How are you today?”

“I’m... good. How are you? You ok?”

_He’s probably wondering if I felt any ill effects from eating three pieces of soap._

“I’m very well, thank you.” Aziraphale considered making a joke, then decided it would be fun to actually go for it. “I’ve felt fantastic these past couple of days in fact, almost as if I’d taken part in one of those detox programmes, as though I’ve been cleansed from the inside out.”

Anthony choked a bit in response, and tried to clear his throat.

“Right. Well... that’s... erm... good, I guess. What is it you’re looking for today, sir? More soap?”

“I’d rather like to try another free sample.”

“ _Tester_.”

_Oh, right, **that’s** what that was about._

“Ah, yes, of course. Hmm, let’s see...” Aziraphale drawled, fluttering his fingertips over the display. “Ah, this one looks scrummy!”

“It’s not. Not scrummy at all.”

“Well, I’d like to be the judge of that.”

“You know that’s a _soap_ , right?”

“It says it’s made of honey, my favourite!”

Aziraphale licked his lips. He was enjoying Anthony’s attention, and this seemed to be a good way to get it.

“It’s not food!”

“Of course honey is food, my dear! It’s very nutritious.”

“No, sir, look. I’m very sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but _none_ of this is food! These are soaps! _This_ ,” he said emphatically, holding up a bar called ‘Honey I Washed The Kids’, “is a soap! It even says on the little sign, see? ‘Delectable but _not edible_ ’!”

Aziraphale wondered whether that detail had been added to the sign because of _him_ , or whether in fact he was not the first person to make that mistake. He would feel a little better if that were the case. He really should have brought his nifty reading glasses with him to read the fine print on the little blackboard signs around the shop, then perhaps this might not have happened.

“Could I try a free sample of it?”

“We can try the soap out in the bowl if you’d like, sir? Would you like to try _washing your hands_ with the _soap_?”

“That would be splendid, thank you.”

Anthony kept hold of the tester as they walked over to the bowl, apparently not trusting Aziraphale with it, and Aziraphale smiled to himself. The whole thing was rather funny when he thought about it.

As Anthony washed Aziraphale’s hands with the luxurious, honey-scented soap, Aziraphale couldn’t help but smile at him. Now that he had Anthony’s attention, he decided to be brave. He sighed contentedly, and Anthony looked up at him.

“This feels incredible. You really are very lovely, my dear.”

“Ngk.”

“Thank you for taking the time to show me all of these wonderful soaps.”

Anthony’s hands stilled, and he stood there for a moment, just holding Aziraphale’s hands and scrutinising him as though trying to figure him out.

“Were you... _joking_ , this whole time?” Anthony visibly relaxed, and his face broke out into a grin. “You _knew_ they were soaps, didn’t you?”

“Ah... well, not at first, no.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you for showing me the error of my ways,” Aziraphale said politely.

“I shouldn’t speak ill of our customers but you are completely ridiculous.” There was no bite to Anthony’s words, in fact he spoke softly, a fond smile on his face as he gently smoothed his thumbs over the backs of Aziraphale’s hands.

“I know I am, and I'm sorry for eating your soaps, Anthony, but I very much liked talking to you. You’ve been very kind and patient with me.”

“If you were trying to get my attention, you needn’t have gone to all the trouble. You had it the moment you walked through the door.” Anthony started rinsing the soap off Aziraphale’s hands, once again taking his time. “You’re completely adorable.”

“Oh... thank you.”

“So... will I be seeing you again? Or will we be losing your custom to Thornton’s?”

Aziraphale couldn’t help but chuckle at that, which seemed to please Anthony immensely. He squeezed Aziraphale’s hands as he dried them with the fluffy towel.

“I’m afraid their free samples are much tastier.”

“Hmm, yeah, fair enough.”

Aziraphale inhaled deeply, his lungs filling with the fragrance of a thousand soaps.

“But perhaps I could see you outside of work? How about if I buy you lunch?”

“As long as it’s actual food, I’d love that.”

“Oh stop it. Why don’t you sell me this lovely honey soap so that I can take it home and grate it over my porridge, and find me a pen so that I can give you my number?”

Anthony grinned and released Aziraphale’s hands, picking up one of the soaps from the display and taking it over to the till. He lifted a flap on the till and tore off a piece of paper from the receipt roll, pushing it across the counter with a pen. Aziraphale smiled and wrote down his name and number before pushing it back towards Anthony.

“ _Aziraphale_ ,” Anthony read aloud, and Aziraphale experienced a warm shiver to hear his name spoken in Anthony’s voice. He paid for the soap and took the small paper bag from Anthony before they said their goodbyes and Aziraphale turned to leave.

“Oh, Aziraphale, one more thing!” Anthony called after him, and Aziraphale turned his head to look at him. “Dolphins are _mammals_.”

“Right you are, my dear,” Aziraphale replied with a smirk. Anthony laughed and Aziraphale licked his lips before turning back and heading out of the shop.

Apparently he’d at least got away with that one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 I think this might be my favourite thing I've ever written XD


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